Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Today is an anniversary of sorts

*this post some people might object to or find not for children*

It was 5 years ago this morning that I was raped. It has taken me alot of time be be able put it like that. For the longest time I would say my attack that thing, ect. I also know that I didn't do anything wrong, that I didn't ask for it, no matter what the police, or courts thoughts (like I've said in other post the justice system is messed up).

I won't go into great detail I don't remember alot of the details. But while it wasn't my fault I did do something stupid. The guy I vaguely knew, no I won't be putting the degenerate's name up here, not b/c I'm worried about offending him or slander thats the least of my worries. I've never told Jody his name b/c I know my husband and I will not be responsible for my husband temper in this case or give him another reason to go back to prison. Anyway this guy was a friend of a friend, I've always hung out with guys and never ever had a problem with any of them taking no for an answer, so I never had reason to suspect this jerk would be a monster. But I was wrong, I let him in, yes barely knowing him around 8:-8:30 when he knocked on my door. He brought me some coffee, I mentioned when I met him I was a coffee junky. I knew he had been flirting and stuff. But like I said the guys that I knew were respectful(ish) but men enough to take no for an answer. We talked for a little bit then the conversation started to get really uncomfortable.  So I was like well guess you need to leave I've got to get ready to take my oldest (and only at the time) after school shopping with my mom, this was 9ish...I head down the hall to the bathroom figuring he'd take a hint. I come back and the door is locked. I try to not panic, b/c I'm not a hysterical person. He keeps asking if I want to hook up I keep telling him no...This is where is gets blurry, b/c while it seemed like it lasted forever it was only minutes I think. I finally get really irked and pissy and tell him there is no way I'd have sex with him, he was so far my type that I wouldn't even consider it drunk and passed out. And head towards the door, I figure hell if I go outside, he'd eventually leave or I could call the police when my mom got there, I didn't have a phone or cell phone at this point. This is when he grabs me, he hits my head up against the door and throws me to the floor. I'm fighting and no I don't remember if I screamed or not. I continued to fight till he hit me twice more, once in the jaw I spit on him for that even though it felt broke, for the spitting I got hit hard enough in the side of the head to see stars. It was at this point something inside me just said give up and let him do it and it will be over. My voice inside my head seemed to make sense. Since this piece of shit, told me next time he would hit me hard enough to knock me out or kill me and "do me anyway"..So he raped me in my living room then drug me to the bed room and raped me again.  The actual rape felt surreal like I was dreaming I know I just kept laying there wishing it was over.

When it was over, he got up like it was no big deal, asked me if I was going to tell anyone. I told him no, who'd believe me (I wish I knew how right I was about that point). Then told me he was leaving some cigs on the counter and wanted to know if I wanted to see him again. I was like what are you serious..I cussed him at this point. Then he leaves.

I put back on my clothes and sit on the porch steps, my first thought is what if he comes back. So I knocked on my neighbor door, but there is no one home. So then I get scared I could get pregnant, he didn't use a condom and I wasn't on any kinda birth control. I only live like 2 minutes from a hospital, I didn't have a car, so I walked it. I cried the whole way over there and felt my heart was going to explode. This was an almost bigger mistake than opening my door. I told the triage nurse what had happened, and that I really was just wanting the MAP and stuff to prevent any kinda STD's b/c the way the guy had handle himself I'm 90% sure he has done it before.

She tells me that the forensic nurse will have to come in from Roanoke that will take a few hours and that she has to call the police. I was like okay whatever. During the time waiting for the nurse and police to show up I wasn't allowed to even wash my hands or take a sip of water. I was left alone in a hospital room. Which was fine, I called a couple of my friends, I didn't want to call my mom yet. One of my friends remembered his name which was good b/c at this point I couldn't remember it.

The police seemed more worried about the fact I wasn't a crying mess and I didn't react like they thought I should, by the time they had arrive I was upset yes but thirsty tired, and I wanted to go home.  I stupidly thought they would care about catching and punishing this guy.But no they were more worried about why I would open my door to a near stranger, no matter how many times I had explained that I have never had a problem with guys respecting the word NO and I grew up with guys ect. And what I was wearing well if any one thinks an oversize dragon tshirt with a hole in it and my dads cut off sweat shorts are hot sexy saying rape me, then you got problems. I also made the mistake of telling the investigation officer that this was nothing like on TV, they actually take the time to listen the victim. He went off about how this was real life and if I'm lying I would be punished. I told my story over and over again that day. They never believed me, especially once they found out this guy had  a family, why rape someone when you have a wife at home you can get sex from..Yep thats the wonderful Norton PD for you.

The nurse that did rape kit was wonderful though she really took time and listened and seemed to care, but she was the only one. I do wish I could remember her name to thank her.

The court system was even worse, I was a single mom, with and I admit to it numerous past partners, I liked (well like) sex and I wasn't settling down anytime soon, no job at that time. He was married with a kid, a miner. Even the victims advocate was on his side. I finally decided to go to the prelim hearing just to see if I could take seeing him again. I froze up during court, and my mom had to leave to pick my daughter from school. I had a friend with me, and after court,the advocate who excuse me if I"m wrong. Is suppose to be on my side, wouldn't let me go out to smoke since he was smoking out there I was told to sit in the hallway, like a prisoner. Then has the nerve to say to me you don't look to torn up, I was like if I pull my sleeves back and pants down you will see how upset I am, had started cutting alot after the rape. They were letting me decide if I wanted it to go to the grand jury...the bailiff says loud enough for me to hear, I don't know why she is taking up everyones time, you know he didn't rape her. I siad then and there fuck this, fuck you all and fuck him. I'm done.

Its beat into our heads that we need to report rapes and sexual assault. If god forbid it ever happens to me again, I wouldn't report it at all. I wouldn't not put myself through the pain and torture of the justice system.

My husband and I got back together 9 months after the attack, and he probably saved me. He helped me stop cutting, he helped me realize that I wasn't broken and damaged. That this wasn't my fault at all. I had a few freaks on him and locked my self in the bathroom, he would sit on the other side of the door and just let me talk.He never questioned or insinuated that I was lying. He really came in like my knight in shining armor, he saved me.

5 years later and I still do have alot of anger, towards the guy ( I will not call him  a man) and the police, the DA's the victims advocate. And I do still freak out when someone knocks on my door and I"m not expecting anyone (atleast now I will go to the door). I'm not 100% comfortable alone with guys, which honestly since getting married doesn't happen. But I'm better every day. Maybe one day I will be able to forgive, but not right now.

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