Wednesday, October 9, 2013

An honest look inside myself (warning it rambles))

I'm going to try to be open and upfront in this post. And yes I have already talked with my husband about this. But the other day on the fan page a fan asked about dealing with anger and how to cope with it, when you are just so mad and frustrated.

It really got me thinking b/c we have hit a bump ourselves

I think I have finally reached my burnout point...And finally the anger stage in all this. Its hard for me to write and I have been holding alot of it in b/c I know he is stressed and depressed himself, he has never been able to snap back from being moved over 8 hours away. And I reached the boiling the point last week, with just normal house stuff, my fuel pump went out on my car (and those things aren't cheap) and my youngest had been really sick so I hadn't been able to work...and even though I've been struggling to write even one letter a week, I just am just tired, I'm tired of 20 minutes once a week (and yes I put enough money on the phone) tired of dealing with the VADOC and dealing with everything at home alone, the cleaning, the bills, working, the kids, the yard work..I'm just tired.

I feel really bad that I told him all this, so I'm not sure how our next conversation will go, or what to do next. Really up until this point I hadn't dealt with the anger that everyone else seemed to go through at first. I married him though and I said for better or worse and I am committed to trying everything in my power to make my marriage work, even if we hit bumps, even if I am mad.

Burnout I suppose is inevitable I had been writing everyday for 5 years straight and that doesn't count cards and other stuff I sent. I just don't know how to make it easier on him. Or even get back to the point where I want to write. Our state isn't offering email options, so that sucks.

I don't know for the first time in our sentence I'm actually worried about him, and us.

I know love is powerful and strong, but can love really conquer all? I hope so b/c I have loved my husband since we were teenagers and I"m always going to love him. He gave me two beautiful daughters, and has helped me see a side of myself that I didn't know I still had or could have ever hoped to find again. But I'm wondering how we get over this hump in our relationship, when we can't even sit down and talk face to face and only have 20 minutes clumps of time to talk, where one or both the girls are distracting me.

I personally like to withdraw from everyone and everything when I'm feeling like this till the cloud passes but I don't have the option b/c I know he needs me. So I"m open to any and all suggestions.

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